There is some point at which Nintendo will have to release a new console. I’m not sure why it needs to feel like a hostage situation. We’re on day 400 of a Waco-like siege in which we surround Nintendo’s headquarters and demand it come out with decent launch titles and its hands in the air.
But now, decreasingly stupid rumors indicate the new Nintendo console might come out in the second half of 2024. What that itself means, who knows. Whenever a business says something might happen during a given year, it seems like that just means March of the following year or never at all. Yes, you could tell me about how financial years work. No, I wouldn’t like you to tell me how financial years work.
The thing is, it’s actually been a while since we’ve had a new Nintendo console. Sure, Switch Lite and Switch OLED are nice little side steps. But we haven’t even gotten the updated Plus or Pro type of models we got with the DS and the 3DS and the so forth and the whatnot. We need fresh blood. We need a new console. Games need them! For reasons! If we don’t have ten more frames of animation when we catch a Pokémon, I’ll dig up my grandparents and spit on them, I will, I will!
And while we’re all excited about what we might get with the Switch 2 or Super Switch or, hopefully, Switch U, it’s worth mentioning a few things that would be great to NOT have in the next Switch. Just a few ideas from a loving Nintendo fan who’s not that smart and once had to go to the hospital after his sister threw a sharp piece of plastic toy train tracks that simply stuck in the front of his head.
5 - I Don’t Want to Feel Bad For the Games I Don’t Play or Have Never Played
Toy Story did a number on my generation. It took the horrors of capitalism to new heights by making us believe our belongings had feelings and could be lonely if we didn’t both worship them and add to their numbers. This now extends to everything in my pathetic life. If I don’t use my blender enough, I feel less like a fool for spending money on something I don’t need and more like a bad parent for not spending enough time with a bladed electric motor. Owning things you don’t use feels bad, but the only way to cure it is to buy more things you don’t use.
And man, oh man, does that apply to my game library. Whether it be a seasonal sale or filling the void when food isn’t available, I own a lot of Switch games. And I feel bad for not playing them. I feel so bad. I even feel bad for the Samurai Showdown games I bought outside of the Samurai Showdown collection before then buying the collection. I feel bad as if they can judge me and they know that, one day when I’m connected to obsolete machines with filthy tubes, I’d wish I’d saved my money for a better death.
So, I dunno, it would be nice if the Switch 2 sent a little pop-up every few weeks that went, “It’s alright, man. You’re never going to beat The Messenger. That’s completely okay. Nobody knows but you and nobody is upset with you for it.” Or maybe another little note reading, “None of these games have feelings. Mapping your own emotions onto objects is a way to cope with your inability to connect with living people. No, Yoshi’s Crafted World doesn’t hate you.”
4 - The Screen of the Switch Shouldn’t Be A Reflective Surface
I’m not an expert on glass or glass science, but I think we’d all benefit if the Switch didn’t have a reflective surface. It’s not a new opinion that turning your phone or tablet off reveals the face of an aging person whose regrets are printed in every line. But the Switch 2 doesn’t have to be this way. Nintendo can easily create a surface that reveals a brilliant screen without showing you who you’ve become when you put it in sleep mode.
Think about it this way: If released in 2024, the Switch 2 will be coming out over seven years after the Nintendo Switch we have right now. Now think about how old you were seven years ago. Things already weren’t going great. That system was supposed to be the respite from who you are. But the feeling wore off. The magic is gone. And now you need a new thing to distract you from the band you never started. So, you know, having a screen that doesn’t show you your own face is probably a good call.
3 -There Shouldn’t Be More Than One Launch Title
And that launch title should be Mario & Luigi Buy A Bike Shop In An Industrial Area.
Do I actually want this game? Absolutely not. It sounds terrible! Exactly. Since its inception, the video game community has had the energy of a group of friends hugging and then taking the battle serum from Strange New Worlds to fight each other to death. If Nintendo made something truly awful, truly hated as the only launch game for what could be the most anticipated console of all time, it would bring haters and trolls alike together for one moment of universal peace.
You know how on Independence Day, all the countries of the world united to fight the aliens? Same thing here, except it would be an internet devastated to learn they might need to wait four, five, or even six weeks for a Switch 2 game that they can stream in an attempt to monetize a hobby. Sony stans would be holding hands with Microsoft fanboys. All would realize this moment was special. A giant belly flop of a game. Nothing better.
Side note, in the game Mario and Luigi would only run the bike shop. There would be no biking involved. And most of the game would just be waiting quietly from open to close because it’s not in a very bike-friendly area. And there’s no minigames. Just bike parts for sale and trying to get Yelp reviews taken down.
2 - There Shouldn’t Be More Than Five Switch 2 Consoles On the Planet
Let’s repeat the joy that was the PlayStation 5 and Xbox Series X launch. But, if anything hurt those approaches to selling a major appliance, it was having way too many systems. Too many people on social media got to post themselves with a picture of a hot, new console. I know I did. And think: Am I someone who you believe deserves a new console at launch? I’m nobody. I’m nothing.
There shouldn’t be more than five consoles released at launch. And they only go to the five best people in the world. I don’t mean “done the most good for humanity,” I mean “best.” How do we determine that? Still in the air. Could be anything. A combination of community service, math skills, and an ability to hold a conversation without bringing up their problems while someone else is talking about their own.
The five people who get a console have to open it live in front of you while making unbroken eye contact. They don’t even unbox it nicely. They tear it open, throwing aside wires and manuals you’d lovingly cradle in your hands.
1) - Nintendo Shouldn’t Actually Put a New Console in the Box
Honestly, if they slapped on a new UI and just pretended it had double the horsepower, most of us wouldn’t even know the difference. They could just take a refurbished Switch OLED, make it slightly more awkwardly shaped, claim it was new, and half of us dummies would gladly throw down 300 dollars we’d never give to a friend’s medical fund.