If you didn’t know this already, I apologize. Super Mario RPG came out 27 years ago and you’ve probably just been waiting for the right time to play it. And let me tell you something that I once told a DJ at a wedding: It’s always the right time to play the hits. Actually, I didn’t tell a DJ that. When I got married, the DJ just kept asking if we wanted to play Michael Jackson “in honor of him” because he died a few days earlier. Anyway, that marriage didn’t last. Where was I? Super Mario RPG!
Even on Super Nintendo, Super Mario RPG is a gorgeous game. It’s full of wonder and delight. It’s basically the opposite of Diablo 4 and Final Fantasy 16. I like those games a lot, but it’s nice to remember that RPGs don’t require two hundred quests in which I fetch someone’s dead body for a loved one. Guys, you know it’s dangerous out there. If everyone you know is being killed by giant bees or weeping ghosts, maybe don’t leave town for a bit. Or, at the very least, hire more than one person to bring in your friend’s corpse.
Super Mario RPG is a game that doesn’t take itself seriously. It’s full of references to remind you that, even in the Super Nintendo era, Nintendo was milking that nostalgia to the last drop. But it also makes it feel like a pure, joyful experience. The game is goofy. The story is silly. The main villain is ridiculous. It feels like even making this game was fun, with developers throwing in bonkers turns that somehow just worked. They did what the best comedy teams do: clearly added shit just to make each other laugh.
And one of the best turns is that Mario can use a special stone to unlock a secret battle with Culex, a parody of Final Fantasy villains. He monologues about his existence and his search for the perfect knight, etc. It’s intentionally dramatic and stupid. His design is entirely different from any other character in the game, more in line with the SNES Final Fantasys. A remix of the Final Fantasy 4 boss theme plays if you agree to fight him. It’s all very pointless as none of this relates to anything else that happens in the game. Unfortunately, I do hear that the dialogue had more jokes in the Japanese version. But it’s still so stupid in the best way and, as with the rest of the game, this comes out of nowhere. Which is why I’m worried they could remove it.
Culex is a pointless fight. Sure, you get a neat item if you win, but the real joy of it is that it’s pointless. Not pointless in the sense of a side quest, but pointless in the sense that the only reason you’d fight Culex is because it was funny to see a parody of Final Fantasy back in an era in which it felt like playing Final Fantasy meant you were a higher level of video game fan. References and crossovers and multiverses are everywhere now, but back in the day? It made your eyes bulge out of your head.
But like I said, it’s a pointless battle. And it uses music from what is now an ancient Final Fantasy game. And the fact that the villain is a massive hand drawn sprite (as opposed to the CGI-made other characters) is itself a relic of the times. The Easter egg is a reference to an era that’s almost 30 years behind us. Oh fuck me. I just checked and Final Fantasy 4 came out over 30 years ago. Jesus Christ.
The thing is, I could see Square Enix and Nintendo taking it out for the pure reason that it doesn’t matter and draws focus away from the main game. Why devote resources to a battle that was put in the game as a gag? Super Mario RPG is already full of gags. Will fans get it enough to make the inclusion worth it?
Or I could see them replacing or updating Culex to be more like a ‘modern’ Final Fantasy villain. Sure, this could come in the form of ‘remastering’ him to look more like the updates of Final Fantasy 1 through 6. Or it could come in the form of them replacing him with something else entirely. This could be cool, but it feels like the Square Enix of today would put in something that’s less parody and more promotional. Rather than a character making fun of melodramatic villains, they’ll add a boss from Final Fantasy 16.
Because, let’s be honest, the Square Enix of today isn’t quite as sharp as the Square of the ‘90s. Yes, it’s a much bigger corporation now. But Square was really on a roll for a while back then. Square Enix still puts out great games! Unfortunately, it also makes some incredibly terrible business decisions. I’m not sure I trust the company that kept trying to make NFTs happen to not try to fist fuck a money making reference into Super Mario RPG.
Which would likely be their choice on this specific point because the Culex battle uses elements of Square Enix’s flagship series, including the music. Square Enix loves its games’ music. It makes money off its games’ music. It could be protective of the material and say it doesn’t want it in there anymore. They could just want something more modern. Who knows? Square Enix basically operates by shaking a Magic 8-Ball.
Would the change ruin the game? Not really. You could easily miss Culex entirely and it’ll make no difference to the actual story. I’m sure no matter what, the remake will be good. But I hate the idea of remaking or remastering a game and changing some of the original’s best elements as an ill-considered ‘update’. Remakes intending to complement and buttress a game’s legacy often still replace the original.
Of course, this is me getting myself in a twist over something that we don’t know yet. Culex might very well be in there. It would honestly be ten times as hilarious to fight an old 16-bit sprite as a remastered, high-definition 3D-looking character.
And if he’s not in it, I’m still buying the game. I don’t love Super Mario RPG solely because of a Final Fantasy 4 reference. But I hope that, while remaking it, Nintendo and Square Enix remember that this game is the sum of its parts. It’s nearly perfect already. Don’t fix what’s not broken. Let me fight a dumb villain. Because if you don’t, I swear to God, I’ll probably complain more.