So Diablo 4 is finally out, taking us on another adventure into fighting demons who are really, definitely, this time for sure, the last monsters trying to destroy humanity. It’s not the point, but I kind of like that Diablo’s lore surrounds a big family of devils that don’t seem to like each other very much but all want to look the most evil. It’s like going home for Christmas. It’s nice.
Of course, it wouldn’t be a Diablo game if it didn’t feature character classes loosely based on older Diablo character classes which are loosely based on Dungeons & Dragons classes. Nothing original under the sun, folks. But the game is fun! And depressing! I know the note from a lot of people on Diablo 3 was ‘too colorful and fun’, but hoo boy did they swing in the other direction. Just a lot of sadness and despair in this world. People suffer in the cold as they realize all hope is lost. It’s also like going home for Christmas. It’s nice.
Still, Diablo’s classes can sometimes feel a little limiting. Sure, they’re all great. The Barbarian rips through crowds with ease. The Necromancer raises skeletons from the grave to fight other skeletons that you don’t like. The Druid is… there. I’m still not entirely sure who the Druid is for. And if the Druid is for you? Great. That’s fine. Don’t tell me.
But as with previous Diablo games, there’s always the promise of new content around the corner. New lands to explore. New cities to resent citizens in when they give you a quest that could’ve been an email. And, of course, new character classes. Diablo 2 added the Assassin and the (ugh) Druid. Diablo 3 added the Crusader. And Diablo 4 is sure to add at least one or two new classes as it expands. Here are some of those new classes we’d love to see.
Bard
In the last few years, Bards have gone from something of a joke in roleplaying games to a popular, enjoyable character class. With their ability to use the power of music to stun enemies and inspire friends, Bards are useful in any team. Like the Crusader in Diablo 3, it would be nice to have more support classes for people looking to play in regular groups.
Plus, having a Bard means that we could add some levity to Diablo! Imagine a character class that sang every line in the game and just did songs the whole time you were walking? Imagine all the other players having to sit through that. There would be a point in which everyone turns on you and breaks your little stupid lute in PvP. That’s real pain, Diablo. That’s real despair.
Skeleton That Doesn’t Take Sides
Some skeletons fight for Necromancers. Some skeletons fight for Lilith. But this skeleton? It’s staying out of it! While it knows there are strong views on both sides of ‘living’ and ‘extinguishing the light of mankind’, it feels like it’s the way everyone in Sanctuary is polarized that’s the problem. It thinks neither the killers nor the people being killed have a monopoly on being correct; both have great points that it doesn’t think should be silenced just because the establishment thinks impaling villagers on spikes is a bad look. Just because someone is being murdered doesn’t mean their viewpoint is somehow more valid than their murderer. It’s not the oppression Olympics, folks!
The skeleton’s abilities would include complaining that the other character classes live in a bubble, endlessly talking about how nobody can talk anymore, and throwing its shin bone at people who ask the skeleton what it actually believes. It may not work for the devil, but this skeleton loves playing Devil’s Advocate!
Necromancer’s Parents
I think we can agree the only thing more compelling than a goth kid is a goth kid’s confused parents. They don’t know what they did wrong. They don’t know if they did something wrong. Whenever parents try to talk to the Necromancer, the wizard of the darkness just slams the door and says they hate them. They slam the door so hard there’s a little cold breeze.
For their part, the Necromancer’s parents are decent people. The Necromancer isn’t lashing out at anything they’re aware of. They’re pretty accepting even when they don’t entirely understand what dark magic is all about. They just want their Necromancer to be happy, which is hard enough in Sanctuary these days. Their abilities would include gently asking the Necromancer how adventuring was today and telling the Necromancer there’s spaghetti in the fridge when they come home late.
Emily Dickinson
Oh, A Bird came down the Walk alright: came down the Walk to kick some ass. She’s like a bard but her only quest is to hangout with Susan Gilbert. That’s all I’ve got on this one. Next!
Pokemon Trainer
Can you imagine? I mean, I know this would never happen, but think about it for a second. It would be fun. I’m talking about the Smash Bros. Pokemon Trainer. Same look. Same style. Nobody in the cursed tundra is going to frown when they see a happy little Squirtle! Busting out an Ivysaur brings a much-needed natural green to the world. And a Charizard can still burn people to death! So at least that’s useful!
Heathcliff
Heathcliff was like Garfield for kids who grew up in poverty. Heathcliff came first, but so did Hydrox, and you needed to Google that to find out it’s an Oreo that came out before Oreos. Or you read the rest of the sentence. If you’re still reading, here’s a pitch: Heathcliff was always hanging out in a junkyard and putting full fish in his mouth and pulling them out as bones. There’s a lot of room for Heathcliff sewing together discarded weapons and the bodies of the undead to make junkyard equipment. Necromancer? More like a Neko-mancer! Jesus.
The Racecar Fighter from Fighters Megamix
I know I bring this vehicle up a lot, but the greatest fighting game character from the most famous fighting game of all time deserves a slot in Diablo. What if you could just use a car to run over ghouls? That would save a lot of time and probably be less gross in the moment. Just be sure that you’re certain it’s ghouls you’re running over. You don’t want to hear a thump under your front wheels and turn to your spouse and be like, “Did you hear that?” and then spend the rest of the time wondering if that blood on the bumper came from the undead or the now-dead.
Plus, it’s one of the few cars that can punch, which makes it a great Monk class character. Oh, also add the Monk class back I guess.
Bobby Kotick
Putting Bobby Kotick in Diablo sounds like a weird choice, but it’s the only way we’re going to get the pleasure of seeing him in Hell.